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TVMan, Inc. overnight security guard, Pomeroy Goulet, was fired last night for incompetence.

“Whoever the idot was that hired a Mime as a security guard better watch out, ” said Patrick Herrmann, chief of security at TVMan, Inc.’s Houston studio.

“We hired him from a security contractor called ‘Partners in Crime’,” explained Benita Vanegas, who hired Goulet.

“The problem was that there was a misspelling on their website and company is actually named ‘Partners in Mime’,” said Vanegas.

Goulet worked part time as a security guard and on weekends performed at birthday parties and corporate events.

The problem came to light after a break in at the TVMan, Inc. studio last week.

“I looked at the security tapes to see what happened,” said Herrmann.  ”Apparently two masked men entered the studio and Goulet pretended he was trapped inside a box and did nothing. Then when he called 9-1-1 he tried to mime to police what happened so they never showed.”

Goulet is currently suing TVMan, Inc. for wrongful termination.

“He doesn’t stand a chance,” said TVMan, Inc attorney Aaron R. Norrick, “His deposition was hilarious. We kept asking the stenographer to read back Mr. Goulet’s comments and she just shrugged her shoulders.”

Goulet was reached to comment on this story but had nothing to say.

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Employee reactions were mixed at Houston TV Commercial Production Company, TVMan, Inc., after management hired that “Creepy Six Flags Guy” to lead the staff’s annual CPR training class.

“It was just down right weird,” said Danielle Perkins, who works in the cafeteria at TVMan, Inc.

“All the loud music and dancing made it difficult to learn anything,” said Perkins.

“I was a bit annoyed that he didn’t bring one of those dummy’s to practice on like you had in health class,” said HR Secretary Loretta Stukel.  ”To get certified we had to give him mouth-to-mouth.”

Ever since Six Flags Theme Parks announced it was filing for Chapter 11 last month the “Creepy Six Flags Guy” has had to look for other work.

“I saw him on CSPAN answering questions about the economy,” said Greg  Wiggins, a clerk in the TVMan,Inc. mailroom. “He didn’t make a lot of sense but it was entertaining.”

Management at TVMan, Inc. has taken CPR training seriously since the death of employee Paul Goldsmith  at a company Christmas Party.

“We were in the middle playing charades when Paul gripped his chest and fell to the floor”, said TVMan, Inc. company nurse Betty Carillo.

“His partner  yelled out ‘Heart Attack’ and we looked at the card in his hand and sure enough she was right.  We got frustrated when Paul wouldn’t get up so we all left,” said Carillo.

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TVMan, inc. is a full service TV Commercial production company

The annual TVMan, Inc. family picnic is usually the highlight of the summer season for staff, but the 2009 event will be remembered more for massive abdominal cramps, diarrhea, upset stomachs, dizziness and feverish sweating.

“Because of some economic cutbacks we decided not to use our regular caterer,” said Evelyn Katzaman the assistant receptionist who coordinated this year’s event.  ”We decided a potluck where everyone would bring something from their ancestors native country would be cost effective and fun.  I guess I was wrong.”

Seventy-five employees and family members were treated for food poisoning.

“We wanted to get an early start on the event,” said Katzaman. “So Vickie and I (Vickie Harvel a summer intern) put the food out at 10am”.

By the time employees were ready to eat at 1:00pm the Houston temperatures had skyrocketed to 102 degrees.

“It seems everyone was hit at the same time,” said Jacob  Vaughan and overnight colorists at TVMan, Inc. “There were about ten of us involved in the three-legged race and then ‘bam’ it started coming.  My partner was that big lady who works in receivables which made getting to the bathroom pretty tough.”

“I heard over at the sack race things were a mess too,” said Vaughan.

Harris County health officials investigating the food poisoning outbreak aren’t sure if it was the curried raw clam strips that Anupam Smith made from her Indian grandmother’s recipe, or the Raw Oysters Casino that  TVMan, Inc.  graphic artist Neil Fernandez brought from a recipe he saw Bobby Flay do on the Food Network.

Or it could have been something else.

“I know exactly what it was,” said TVMan, Inc. Head of Sales , Lloyd Grumbling, “It was that pork and chicken Tartare that the French girl in the mail room brought.”

Grumbling was referring to the uncooked meat delicacy that recently fired Nouel Carrière brought to the picnic.

“Next year we’ll change the policy about fired- disgruntled employees still being allowed to attend the picnic,” said Evan Owens head of HR for TVMan, Inc.

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TVMan, Inc. released the results of its annual “Best of  Houston” contest today with Fox TV’s consumer reporter Emily Akin taking the lead as favorite TV News personality.

“She’s been a favorite around here for years,” said Darlene Clark, a corporate attorney for TVMan, Inc.  ”Ever since she helped settle an issue where a local power company was dumping spent nuclear waste in our dumpsters in the middle of the night we’ve loved her,” said Clark.

The race was a bit tighter this year with Akin edging out Marvin Zindler who still manages to get votes.

“Emily is a real sweetheart. My wife and I have known her for almost 27 years,” said TVMan, Inc. President Donald P. Sattler.

“She was even at our wedding, and we trust her so much that if anything happened to me she’d take care of my children,” said Sattler.

Other “Best Of” category winners will be announced later next week.

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A mocking bird who only whistles the theme song from “The Andy Griffith Show” has been playing havoc with the creativity of the TVMan, Inc. Staff.

“I can’t get that stupid theme song out of my head,” said Suzuka Ogino an animator at TVMan, Inc.  ”I wake up at night and its running through my head.  Da Da Da- Da-Da Da Da Da-Da Da Da Da Da Da-Da Da.  That bird is driving me insane, I can’t get any work done.”

The bird arrived last week and at the time the TVMan, Inc. staff thought it was cute.

“In my home country birds are a very important part of our culture, ” said Hua Peng, an intern in the TVMan, Inc. business office.  ”But this constant Da Da-Da DaDa Da Da- Da-Da Da Da Da-Da Da Da Da  all day long is making everyone very angry at each other.”

Maintenance workers at the 20,000 square foot Houston branch of TVMan, Inc. are stymied on how to get rid of the bird.

“We tried everything,” said Archie Thompson, who supervises the maintenance team, “I even dressed like an owl and ran around the tree and it wouldn’t leave.  I finally decided we’d cut the tree down, but then some folks from PETA, Greenpeace and The Autobahn Society tied themselves to it.  I’ll just give them a few days and the constant Da Da Da- Da-Da Da Da Da-Da Da Da Da Da Da-Da Da will drive them away.

The bird’s constant song comes at a bad time for Stéphane Coudert, a composer and sound designer at TVMan, Inc.

“I’m in the middle of scoring an important scene for a documentary we’re doing on drought in Africa,” explained Coudert.  ”We’re working on a scene where a boy and his father walk down to a dry riverbed and all I could come up with is Da Da Da- Da-Da Da Da Da-Da Da Da Da.

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Corporate offices at TVMan, Inc. got the call last night from network executives that its pitch for the next big celebrity reality show had been approved and taping for the pilot will begin immediately.

“The premise of “America’s Next Eccentric Celebrity” is simple,” said Irene B. Baumeister, director of new programming at TVMan, Inc, “now that America has lost  its most eccentric celebrity in the passing of Michael Jackson, we need to replace him with a new eccentric celebrity.”

Industry insiders say the show will have an “American Idol” format and will possibly be hosted by Paula Abdul.

“All I can say is that our people have talked to her people,” said Charles Radke, assistant talent coordinator at TVMan, Inc.

American viewers will be able to tune in every night while a group of “A-list” celebrities compete for the title of “America’s Next Eccentric Celebrity”.  There will be a series of competitions in categories such as: bizarre plastic surgery,  hiring and firing of staff  on a whim, excessive social anxiety, odd beliefs, peculiar behavior and appearance, and finally spending large sums of  money on unusual items.

“We’ll have all the top celebrities like Britney Spears, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie,” said Martha Barnes, VP of marketing at TVMan, Inc., “we’ll also have a few ‘B’Listers’ like Mike Tyson and Danny Bonaduce for laughs.”

“Its very important for American’s to have eccentric celebrities they can obsess over,” warned Antoni Adamczyk, a Russian economist.  ”If they don’t, they may stop reading gossip blogs and playing on Google at work all day.  Then they’ll get back to their jobs and begin creating quality products again.  It will be like the Fifties all over again.  Can you say ‘Cold War’.”

The winner of “America’s Next Eccentric Celebrity”  will reign until their bizarre and untimely death.  Then the show will pick another.

One of our all time favorite celebrities here at TVMan, Inc., (behind Karl Malden, Michael Jackson and Blanket Jackson) has run into a bit of trouble, along with some traffic cones and a police barricade.

The talented Joyce DeWitt of “Three’s Company” fame was busted Saturday around 4:30 p.m. on suspicion of DUI, El Segundo Police Sgt. Dean Howard says.

“An officer saw DeWitt drive a vehicle past a barricade intended to control vehicular traffic near a park,” says Howard. “As the officer spoke with DeWitt, he observed signs and symptoms of alcohol intoxication.”

Joyce’s website (http://www.joycedewitt.com/) remains silent on the issue but does give you the opportunity to by autograph pictures with the salutation of your choice.  We’re getting once for the office that says, “cheers”.

All of us here at TVMan, Inc. are hoping this will be a wake up call for Joyce.

Perhaps this will reignite her career as it has for other celebrities.

Maybe there will be a reality show on the horizon.  Kind of a “Three’s Company” situation where Joyce, Todd Bridges and and another out of work celebrity are locked up in a cell and the Warden Roper keeps coming in with zany comic antics.

Good luck Joyce, we’re pulling  for you.

Things were a little quite around the Houston office of TVMan, Inc. this morning after management announced the road trip to Los Angeles to attend the funeral of Michael Jackson had been canceled.

“This stinks,” said Madison Sattler who works in the boiler room at TVMan, Inc.  ”I’ve been a big fan of Mike’s for a long time.  I spent all weekend packing.”

Top brass from TVMan, Inc.’s corporate offices issued the statement and it was read during the Monday morning meeting.  ”Although we here at TVMan, Inc. take the needs of our employees seriously, our policy has always been that paid leave for bereavement is only for use when a family member passes.  That is all now get back to work.”

“My heart is broken”, said Sakarias Henriksson, a graphic design intern from Ecole des Hautes Etudes Commerciales in Switzerland.  ”In my country we’d get six months off for this kind of thing.”

All of us here at TVMan have been big Michael Jackson fans since the beginning.  He was no Karl Malden, but he was a great entertainer just the same.

We also love and adore his three children, but our favorite is “Blanket Jackson“.  That’s why we’re concerned about what will happen to “Blanket” without the loving guidance of his father.

“Blanket” will soon have to live in a world outside the confines of Neverland Ranch.  He’ll have to go to public schools in Los Angeles,  join the Boy Scouts, play Little League and finally get a job since most of his Dad’s money will still be tied up in court battles.

What we at TVMan are asking the world to do is show your support for “Blanket” as he grows up. You know kids can be cruel to each other, and with a name like “Blanket” it won’t be easy.

How can you help?  Should you see a young man working at an LA Burger King or McDonald’s one day with a name tag that says, “Blanket”,  give him a smile and tell him “Way to go Blanket.”

Let us know what you plan to do to help.